Ten Things Only a Biker Would Know

Ride Expeditions have put together a Top Ten list of Things Only a Biker Would Know. Prepare to nod in mutual understanding and suppress a chuckle or two in the knowledge that no four wheeled foe could ever make any sense of the things we choose to put ourselves through.

Number 1

Riding is safe. There’s a common misconception that a biker’s sole intention is to reduce his or her life span. In reality, biking is generally a safe mode of alternative transport. Yes there are and always will be accidents. Modern protective gear and a sprinkling of common sense will more often than not keep you out of harm’s way. If you choose to use neither then you are kind of asking for it.

Number 2

___There’s always a longer way round. ___Gone are the days of getting to and from your destination as the crow flies. Why take that boring grey stretch motorway when you could be dodging sheep and overtaking tractors down that unbeaten rural track? Traffic and the need for fuel efficiency is now a thing of the past so make the most of it and go via France on your way back from work!

Number 3

___Rain is the enemy. ___Mistime your ride and you’ll be faced with roads with less grip than a freshly polished not very grippy thing. And of course you’ll be soaked to the very core. There’s no option to roll up the window and turn up the heaters, you’ll have to take it steady and strike a fine balance between having your visor up enough to cut out condensation and down enough to block and precipitation that will otherwise find its way to your much needed eyes.

Number 4

___There’s never a cheap option. ___Well, strictly speaking I suppose there is. Yes there are discount brands and sale offers but is there anything that’s worth more than your head? How much would you pay to not have you foot crushed under the immense weight of your bike falling at 100km/h? Exactly. As you know, there’s no need to go re-mortgaging your house to pay for new gloves, but if you skimp on gear it could be as bad as never buying it at all.

Number 5

___‘Picking up some shopping’ isn’t really an option. ___The text comes in. ‘I’ve noticed you’re out on your bike, could you grab some bread and milk? Oh, and I think we’re out of butter’. Unless you’ve gone out with a full set of pannier bags and a decent sized saddle bag, chances are you’re not going to have the room to carry any decent amount of impromptu groceries. Yes you could hang a couple of flimsy plastic bags over your handle bars, you could even try and balance them equally to minimise the chance of them swinging and throwing you into an oncoming bus, but we’re really missing the point, what are you doing reading texts while you’re out on a ride!? Put your phone away and get riding!

Number 6

To shamelessly quote a thousand biker blogs- ___‘Grey haired bikers don’t get there by pure luck’ ___and for good reason. And whilst experience is great, knowing your lack of experience can be equally as important. Any idiot can twist that right hand lever and fling themselves down the motorway at 200km/h, but to know what your machine can handle and be in the minds of other road users at the same time is a real skill. If you’re already a grey haired rider then congratulations, you made it. If not, then remember, you are only human and are cursed and blessed with all the fragilities that come with it.

Number 7

___Large Insects are not your friends. ___Whilst hitting a buzzy little bee at 150km/h may sound like an unpleasant experience, chances are at least the thing will shuffle off its mortal coil and not pay you any more attention. Unfortunately, hitting one at 50km/h ensures just enough intensity to piss it off and just too little ‘whack’ to kill the thing, this could lead to many problems. One of which being that the blighter climbs into your leathers and proceeds to sting you most likely in the most uncomfortable of places, better hope that thing was a bee and not a wasp because that would mean an unrelenting barrage of stings for the duration of the wasps residency in your undergarments. We’ve all been there.

Number 8

___To other people you are a big bad biker. ___The roar of that V-Twin thundering down the road, that basic lack of personal regard for safety and that renegade attitude towards the rules of the road. You’re a big, scary, noisy menace. Of course this isn’t true. As a biker you’re very vulnerable, you take your time to ensure your own safety as well as the safety of other road users and you have the utmost respect for the engineering and capability of your motorised vehicle. Unless you are a big bad biker, in which case go ahead…don’t mind me sir.

Number 9

___Size doesn’t matter. ___A Triumph Bonneville 865cc is by no means going to outrun a Yamaha R6. Engineering has a lot to do with the performance of a bike, a larger engine may just mean a little more comfort whilst cruising down the motorway a smaller may mean a quick getaway from the lights. No one likes a show off, we choose a bike that suits us. We all do this because we love riding, whether you’re hopping ruts on a Honda XR250 or touring the states on a Harley Davidson V-Rod.

Number 10

___Forget about feeling your backside. ___Yes we’ve all been there, an hour of riding and you’ll be shuffling in your seat like a Mohammed Ali in a tumble dryer, desperately trying to get the blood back into your arse. You can stand on your pegs for a minute or two but it won’t be long until you’re back in a world of numbness. The best thing to do is to pull over in a quiet, scenic spot and enjoy the view of your bike with one of the unlimited backdrops the world has to offer.

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