Do you change your oil around here often?

I decided that while I'm waiting for snow to EVENTUALLY melt, between motorcycle shows, I would see what I could do about meeting other riders either via online (hello ESR!) or motorcycle-related events. Riding alone is fine but it's also fun to have someone to rehash a cool road you both just found. Or pick your butt out of the bushes when you misjudge a curve.

As much as I like spontaneous jaunts, it would be nice to plan out some weekends/weeknights/vacation days in advance. For a change. Some trips to meet-ups at biker hangouts of the pub or diner variety that have notable cuisine and/or notable female wait staff would be welcome.

I know you are out there (other riders, not just female wait staff with notable assets) and, without being too creepy, I'll try to find you - if you want to be found.

There have been some events, which would have been ideal opportunities, but I've found out about them AFTER the fact. It's like showing up at school Monday morning, not only to hear all the comments: "didja go to that party at Chris's on Saturday? It was awesome!" but also to find that your latest crush was there too. And worse, "was totally looking for you, dude".

Discovering motorcycle-related gatherings takes some work. Especially off- season when they are thin on the ground. Then there are events that are only open to certain people who are involved professionally motorcycle-wise: dealers, manufacturers, racers, media and such. I'm sure crashing a upscale BMW event would be so worth it - if only for the hors d'oeuvres.

Another viable option are clubs. There are lots of clubs, sure, and maybe getting involved would be good too. I could join some associations. But sometimes groups like that - and it's just the nature of groups like this - spend time meeting, voting and politicking rather than riding. I understand of course, if you are going to be an organization, you have spend time being organized. But you can't lose focus or it stops being fun. However in the interests of journalistic integrity (words that don't often run together) - I promise to keep an open mind, track down a club and join. You have been warned.

(To those clubs who are now disbanding due to cancelling membership - or clubs taking down their web pages in an effort to hide from me - because of what I just wrote - leave me your contact info in the comments and we'll go for a ride anyway.)

There also must be people like me who don't currently have any affiliation. Mostly because we feel like Groucho Marx (Google it, kids) "I'd never join any club that would have me as a member!" However there must be other non- clubbable (shut up spellchecker) people akin to Diogenes Club members (Google it again, kids!) - who, like me, don't have a leather vest with patches.- but would still like to share a favourite route and a beer or five.

So oddly enough, as I sit at the computer, about to embark on an expedition of the electronic kind in the vastness of cyberspace,I am filled with the same trepidation that people feel when online dating.

(I`m so old-school! Does anyone say "cyberspace" anymore? And by the way, I refuse, on principle, to join the "Twitter-verse" - at least not until I'm famous - but I digress...)

All the similar questions and fears in online dating are there when looking for a riding associate: "Who are these people?" "Are they safe?" "Do they practice safe riding?" "Do they use protection?" "If I ride a Honda, can I hang out with a Yamaha-er or a Suzuki-ist?" The brands are like religions. Does that make intermixing taboo? Maybe that's exciting!

Then you have to ask questions about the type of rider-rider relationship (an R.R.R.) you are looking for; what do you want out of this relationship? A one- ride stand? Weekend hookup? Booty-call? Friends with benefits (meet up, ride, go home)? Sharing a meal before/after a ride then maybe a movie, like dating? A formal three month standard riding friend contract?

Maybe, the hope springs eternal, to meet someone of the opposite gender with whom one can develop a longer-term relationship in other areas of life beyond riding. (Or same-sex partners - it's pretty much a sausage-fest - but there's also room for female same-sex relationships too. Although, for different reasons....)

I've heard rumours that there is life beyond riding - not well-substantiated, however...

How do you initiate biker conversation? Are there pick up lines? "Your tires must be worn out because you've been running through my mind all day long!" (Feel free to add others in the comments - they might come in handy.) I guess the standard "Nice bike! Tell me about it!" (gush gush, eyelid flutter flutter) will do as a common ice-breaker.

The awkwardness continues when you actually agree to go on that first ride when you do find a riding buddy (that wasn't an intentional euphemism for sex). At first it's like a date - you have to keep your eye on your partner, watch what they are doing, as well as on what you are doing. And it all maybe going at speed outside of your comfort zone.

Do you need to coordinate with your riding partner? You will feel mighty awkward if you show up in your racing leathers and your "date" shows up in a beanie helmet and shorts. A pre-ride phone call will be in order: "Well today I'm wearing the blue... so you have to wear the red.." "No, I can't wear the red anymore... Remember, I got a custom paint job? and now the red clashes...I have to wear the white" "No, wear the black, black goes with everything..."

Riding together is surprisingly similar to sex: "You take so long" "You're there too quick" "How much experience do you have?" "Let's just take our time and enjoy the ride" "Have you ever done this in a group?" " Aww, don't worry - this happens to everyone from time to time" "That reminds me - I need to mow the lawn".

I think most women start riding motorcycles because of their partners - they want to keep an eye on them when they are out riding, getting into God(insert deity here)-knows-what trouble, and they want to stop the incessant pleading ("Come on! It'll be fun!). Thus women, in the past, have mostly had pre- determined riding buddies.

Nowadays, there are more women entering the riding realm of their own volition. (You go, girls!).

For them finding a riding partner is even more intimidating than for guys. There's also the ever-present minefield of sex, on top of all the other concerns: "Is he interested in my bike or my body?". (What's wrong with both?)

It's a familiar routine, isn't it?

Cheers!