Honda's Rock The Red Gymkhana: Big guy races little bikes in tiny circles

I suspected this day might humble me.

@Alex - proprietor of the site your looking at - asked me to pinch-ride for him at Honda Canada's Rock The Red Gymkhana event, July 28th at the company's Markham, ON head office. Having never raced anything beyond e-bikes, taxis, and the occasional Audi yogatruck at intersections, I said I'd do it.

Now, I ride a BMW F800GS, a street-legal 500-lb sort of dirtbike, which I take offroad almost every weekend, eight or so months of the year. I was certain that all the sliding around, nuanced throttle-clutch-brake action and general mayhem I engage in each weekend to stay upright would make me a terrorist at pavement gymkhana. Especially on a Honda CBR250. They're small, light, non- gutsy and readily flickable - so I figured all the easier to tilt it around the cones than on what I'm used to. I even fantasized about a flood of dumb luck making me the sleeper who took home the hardware, the cash and the babes.

Within minutes of arriving at Honda's back lot practice range, I sensed that I would not become intimate with victory. There are plenty of hard men who do this, do it seriously, and do it well. And they were out that day, twisting it for a $500 grand prize. There are also meek souls who take pleasure in trashing perfectly good bikes - including one gentlemen whose riding strategy was to keep the throttle all the way open while working only brakes and clutch throughout the course. Inhumane and downright traumatizing to witness a clutch be slaughtered so senselessly. But the Honda techs had it resuscitated in no time.

Gymkhana, in case you don't know the term, refers to timed solo runs around a tightly packed course of pylons doing slalom, figure 8s, circles and so on. It's a word that's thought to come from the name Jim Connor, who I guess invented this class of racing. It seems kind of goofy and lame an idea, till you try it. Then you realize it's a bit like chess… anyone can play; few will master.

I felt the hardest part for me - being non-young and 15 years past my fifth concussion, which I blame for most of my ills - would be memorizing the course around the colour-coded pylons. Red cone = right turn, blue cone = left turn, because 'blue' has that 'L' near the front of it -- easy, right? Memorizing it proved to be the killer. Although I had the course on paper, and rode its exact likeness some 10-15 times on the backlot, when it came time to race, my first of two official runs was cut short in the middle when my mind went blank.

Returning to the start, my umbrella girl informed me that memorizing under pressure is part of the challenge. I'll second that. I also realized that memorizing anything while one is seen to by one's own umbrella girl with the pulchritude and cheerfulness of mine would be close to impossible.

But I did a second run and nailed it perfectly, even hitting second gear on the home stretch. Call it a testament to the post-concussional healing powers of the human brain and also the powers of the human female in infusing a simpleton male with an elemental urge to win.

My time was 1:21, some 3-4 seconds slower than the faster scores of the second heat. Respectable, yet humbling.

I will of course stick largely to offroading, where humility tends to come with a mouthful of dust and in a more private and beautiful setting -- plus your mates are on had to help you pick up your pieces when the ambient gravity becomes irresistible.

Here I am in training and battle, 8+ minutes of pure adrenaline as recorded by my 15-year-old daughter, complete with all her favourite music laid over the audio.

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