Riding Rude for Cancer Research - and Fun

Have you ever been to Dick Place or visited Ass Hill?

Paul Taylor has. He's also been to Happy Bottom Nature Reserve, Crazies Hill, Pishill, The Knob, Willey, Butthole Lane, Penistone, Netherthong, Slack Bottom Road, Bedlam, Crackpot, Pity Me, Cocksburnspath, Wallyford, and Brawl. Paul has seen these questionable UK communities from the rock-hard seat of a Slovenian-made Tomos XL45 Classic moped. It wasn't just some wacky adventure, though; it was moronic. In fact, it was the Moronic Moped Marathon.

Why would someone put himself through agony and visit such strange places? Good question. Here's the good answer: for the memory of a great friend, to raise money for cancer research, and, of course, for fun.

So far, Paul has raised over £23,000 for The Institute for Cancer Research (IRC) in honour of his buddy Alexis Leventis, who passed away last year at age 55. You can donate at JustGiving.

He began in Shitterton in Dorset and wound through places with names that would make a porn star blush before reaching Twatt in the Orkney Isles and then returning to finish at Bell End, Stourbridge.

If this puts you in mind of ESR's Rude Ride Out UK, it should. They have a lot in common. Both are based in the UK, and both visit some of the most R-rated named places in Britain. They're all about fun and two wheels.

The Rude Ride Out UK is on now, so if you’re in a rude mood get your butt out there! Here’s how to play and get a chance at a brand-new Yamaha MT-07

Paul is a fan of the ESR app as well and used it on his journey.

"For sheer comedy value, Bellenden Gardens in Edinburgh was great, not just for the name but the phallic image when you look at the street on the ESR app!" The proof is below.

Long and hard (no, that's not another place name!) miles aside, Paul was nearly always upbeat, but it was tough to stick to a schedule. "Most the time, it was good fun bumbling along quiet back roads in the middle of nowhere looking at the stunning scenery and the wildlife. I had bats fly along with me, saw stoats, foxes, deer, badgers, falcons, and in Scotland, I think I saw an eagle! Preserving momentum becomes a bit of an obsession as you are so slow, and when you corner a Tomos with enthusiasm, the stand scrapes which always made me smile!"

The torturous seat was a drawback, Paul admitted. "The sore bum would get to you occasionally, and I made the mistake of sitting on my clothes bag that was strapped to the rack for a while, and in doing so accidentally sat on one of the panniers and set off the chain lube which made quite a mess!"

He's honoured the memory of his friend and raised a bunch of money for cancer research, which is terrific, but now what I want to know is if he learned any new swear words and can he use them daily?

"I haven't really learnt any new swear words, having learnt plenty at the rough schools I went to, but I do like Lower Assendon and am trying to work out how I can incorporate that into normal conversation, and I should use Carsie more!" Paul said. "I need to use Cobblers more too, as you can use that in all sorts of situations!"

Great Tosson was his favourite place name (makes sense because every Tosson should be great). Titty Ho and Twatt were the ones he found rudest (and most fun, I'm sure!).

"Cock Hung Low was also a good one. Lickpenny Lane was quite good too. I think Penny should at least buy me a drink first!"

The mighty 49cc moped seized, and he had to finish the journey on four wheels instead of two, but Paul sees that as an opportunity, not an unhappy ending to his trusty steed. He has plans to rebuild it with a 65cc kit and a seat that's not made of concrete.

"Although it did eventually seize, it was overworked and overloaded for 2000km doing things it wasn't designed for, and I have a lot of respect for it."

A larger bike is in his future, maybe a Suzuki GSX-R750 or Hayabusa or Ducati 848.

"I think my head will explode riding a proper bike again after the moped, but I think what I've learnt is that it doesn't matter what you're riding, even a moped is much more fun than a car and you can tour on anything - if you're stupid enough (and don't mind walking like John Wayne)."

Apart from a rebuild of the Tomos, any other moronic ideas coming along?

"I have always had a couple of other fundraisers in mind but haven't decided if I will do them on the Tomos or my modified 1986 Suzuki GAG minibike. I've had the GAG for years, and it has a 140cc engine in it. When I was a motorcycle dealer in New Zealand, I imported it from Japan, so it's lived in 3 different countries! The GAG has the benefit of being fairly quick for its size but is, of course, not exactly comfortable either! Maybe I'll use both of them at different times for different fundraisers!"

Alexis would have got a kick out of the whole thing, Paul said.

"Alexis would have definitely thought it was funny and would have been pleased to see how many people got a smile or a laugh or two from it. He toured Ireland on a Yamaha 600 once, and I think he thought I was nuts doing a long trip on a moped!"

Nuts is such a harsh term. We prefer moron.